Standing.
Here in your life
Living through your glassy eyes
Your beauty pierces my flesh like a thousand sharp knives
My soul does not lie…
I live for your presence
It is the only reason for my existence...
Just to be beside you and feel the impact of our internal energies
Our physics...our chemistries
I wish I was the sun that caresses your gorgeous face
Shining upon you ever so gently, so brightly
Like some sort of angel, heavenly laced
But from another universe...you came into me
Compelling these alien emotions to erupt within
I wish I was the moon
Guiding you through your darkest night
I watch you drift into unconsciousness
Intruding your REM, like some sort of parasite
As I manipulate your subconsciousness
discombobulating your insides
You cannot seem resist
My allure will continue to persist
Wondering aimlessly through those lucid dreams
Making them all reality, it seems
I am aware of your vulnerability
Clearly,
there is no escaping...
©2008-2009 ~Yuniku
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Submitted: March 16, 2008
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Submitted: March 16, 2008
File Size: 1.2 KB
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Comments: 42
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Author's Comments
Okay, so this is a revised rhyming version of the original poem "Displacement" in my gallery. This is not my preferred style. It was quite challenging, but I hope I did alright XP
Daily Deviation, 2008-05-04
The words are very deep and romantic in Displacement....rhyme by ~Yuniku. Do read it, and allow yourself to appreciate the flow and true beauty of this gem of a poem. (Featured by ^LadyLincoln)
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Comments
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Support Literature! *The-Novelist-Club *Adopt-A-Writer *Prose-R-Us *WordCount *writersunknown *getLIT *litNEWS
--
"Watashi wa kowareru anata wo nakushi aishiteru"- ZAKURO(Dir en grey)
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Join the club ---> [link] and pour you heart out <3
--
Stairs going to heaven,
and hours of waiting the death,
but life is stronger than ever,
when you feel it will leave you there,
and trust your instincts and actions,
and live longer than death,
beacuse when death calls you down,
wisdome shall rise.
--
Pictures everywhere. On paper, in the eyes, in frames, inside the soul. Moments frozen in time. Forever they will last. Do not believe. Do not believe.
The other thing that really bothered me was that a majority of the lines felt as if they stopped suddenly. I'm not picking up a flow for the most part, and it makes it rather difficult to read as I feel as if I must slam on the brakes at the end of each line. This is rather problematic for a piece that is centered around a rhyme scheme.
the end word '
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~ Actually Fantastic
xxxx
--
xxlittlesophxx
Standing. (A fragment, and a word in a passive tense. ["ing" verbs are bad, and generally just present-tense takes away from poetry and should be replaced by past tense, which is more powerful] After reading only the first word of your poem, I can tell you don't actually know what you're talking about...adding to the fact that "standing" is hardly a sharp verb.)
Here in your life (And now you start on the abstract nouns. [I'll go into my abstract nouns speech after I finish giving this the once-over])
Living through your glassy eyes ("Glassy" is cliche, unless you stretch the word out into a bigger metaphor having to do with glass or something like that.)
Your beauty pierces my flesh like a thousand sharp knives ("Beauty" is an abstract noun, and "sharp" is redundant when placed right before "knives.")
My soul does not lie… ("Soul" is an abstract noun, and there's a general rule in poetry to lay off on the ellipses, since it makes your poem seem a lil' maudlin. [...])
I live for your presence ("Presence" doesn't add anything; it's abstract.)
It is the only reason for my existence... (Ellipses alert, and "existence" adds just as much as "presence")</b
Just to be beside you and feel the impact of our internal energies (Okay, I'm sorry, but now you're just trying and failing to my mystical or something here. This is not an image, it's an attempt to be elitist.)
Our physics...our chemistries (Unless you plan on extending this line into a metaphor, it really adds nothing. You're throwing in all these different words but you're only skimming their surface; you can go way, waaay deeper, and elaborate much better on your subject, which I'm guessing would be described as something like unrequited love.)
I wish I was the sun that caresses your gorgeous face (Your grammar's messed up here; the correct form would be "I wish I was the sun that caressed your gorgeous face," but even then, "gorgeous" is kind of redundant in front of face.)
Shining upon you ever so gently, so brightly
Like some sort of angel, heavenly laced (This is as close as you get in this piece to elaborating a metaphor; you can't be afraid to grab it by the horns and run with its images. In my book, gratuitous...ness...is a common facet in good poetry.)
But from another universe...you came into me
Compelling these alien emotions to erupt within ("Emotions" is abstract.)
I wish I was the moon
Guiding you through your darkest night ("Darkest" is redundant in front of "night.")
I watch you drift into unconsciousness
Intruding your REM, like some sort of parasite (The unconsciousness is intruding her REM? Aren't they kind of the same thing? If one were to fall asleep, they'd slip into an REM sleep a little later; the nouns you use aren't opposites, so one can't really intrude the other.)
As I manipulate your subconsciousness
discombobulating your insides
You cannot seem resist
My allure will continue to persist (Rhyme is constricting, maudlin.)
Wondering aimlessly through those lucid dreams ("Dreams" is an abstract noun.)
Making them all reality, it seems ("Reality" is an abstract noun.)
I am aware of your vulnerability ("Vulnerability" is an abstract noun.)
Clearly, (One-word line breaks make me cringe. D: )
there is no escaping... (Ellipses alert.)
Onto the abstract nouns speech, then.
Abstract nouns are intangible words, idea-nouns so to speak, words like "life, death, light, dark, happiness, sadness," and every other word I pointed out in going line-by-line here. The reason they're so bad for poetry is that...well, here's an example. If I said "life," then you might imagine a baby while another person might imagine the earth or something, whereas if I said "book," you'd both clearly imagine a book, as simple an image that is. The point is though, "book" is a concrete noun, tangible, something you can touch. Considering the idea of poetry is communicating a feeling of something to someone else via written or spoken images, abstract nouns would give different people different images, while concrete nouns are universal things, and therefore perfect for poetry.
--
What has been sold,
not strictly made of stone,
just remember that it's flesh and bone.
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