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Displacement....rhyme by ~Yuniku:iconYuniku:



Standing.

Here in your life
Living through your glassy eyes
Your beauty pierces my flesh like a thousand sharp knives
My soul does not lie…
I live for your presence
It is the only reason for my existence...
Just to be beside you and feel the impact of our internal energies
Our physics...our chemistries

I wish I was the sun that caresses your gorgeous face
Shining upon you ever so gently, so brightly
Like some sort of angel, heavenly laced
But from another universe...you came into me
Compelling these alien emotions to erupt within

I wish I was the moon
Guiding you through your darkest night
I watch you drift into unconsciousness
Intruding your REM, like some sort of parasite
As I manipulate your subconsciousness
discombobulating your insides
You cannot seem resist
My allure will continue to persist
Wondering aimlessly through those lucid dreams
Making them all reality, it seems
I am aware of your vulnerability

Clearly,
there is no escaping...
©2008-2009 ~Yuniku
:iconyuniku:

Author's Comments

Okay, so this is a revised rhyming version of the original poem "Displacement" in my gallery. This is not my preferred style. It was quite challenging, but I hope I did alright XP

Daily Deviation

Given 2008-05-04

The words are very deep and romantic in Displacement....rhyme by ~Yuniku. Do read it, and allow yourself to appreciate the flow and true beauty of this gem of a poem. (Featured by ^LadyLincoln)

Comments


love 1 1 joy 0 0 wow 2 2 mad 0 0 sad 0 0 fear 0 0 neutral 0 0
:iconladylincoln:
Beautiful...when no one else seems to understand, I see that you do...

:heart:

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Support Literature! *The-Novelist-Club *Adopt-A-Writer *Prose-R-Us *WordCount *writersunknown *getLIT *litNEWS
:iconyuniku:
:hug: It makes my heart smile to know that my poetry has touched in such a way. Thank you so much X3

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"Watashi wa kowareru anata wo nakushi aishiteru"- ZAKURO(Dir en grey)
:icontantumxlupus:
Nothing like a good rhyme scheme. I dig the natural contrast between the sun and moon. I also like how you elude that the moon and night can also be welcoming.
:iconyuniku:
Of course! I love the night. I don't think there was one poem of mine that I bashed the night or moon (matter of a fact I did a very long poem on it once years ago, I'll post it), I'm such a nocturnal person lol. I didn't even mean to contrast the sun and the moon; that just happened naturally and didn't notice it until you just said something lol. Thanks!

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Join the club ---> [link] and pour you heart out <3
:iconbluename:
I love it, that's what's true love is about :D it really deserves the DD n_n

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Stairs going to heaven,
and hours of waiting the death,
but life is stronger than ever,
when you feel it will leave you there,
and trust your instincts and actions,
and live longer than death,
beacuse when death calls you down,
wisdome shall rise.
:iconstarlit-sky:
it's beautiful:)

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Pictures everywhere. On paper, in the eyes, in frames, inside the soul. Moments frozen in time. Forever they will last. Do not believe. Do not believe.
:iconrachcouture:
By the time I read through the first stanza, the only thing I could think about was how very much generic your word choices and phrases seem to come off as. Things such as "I wish I was the sun that caresses your gorgeous face", "I wish I was the moon/Guiding you through your darkest night", "Your beauty pierces my flesh like a thousand sharp knives"; these are cliche, uninteresting thoughts to write down, and people have read them a hundred and one times before.

The other thing that really bothered me was that a majority of the lines felt as if they stopped suddenly. I'm not picking up a flow for the most part, and it makes it rather difficult to read as I feel as if I must slam on the brakes at the end of each line. This is rather problematic for a piece that is centered around a rhyme scheme.
:iconphoenixdoll:
Overall, I liked it.

the end word ';parasite' though, I just feel stopped the poem from feeling beautiful.. and just seems a bit out of place.
:iconxxlittlesophxx:
wow this is amazing....go u

xxxx

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xxlittlesophxx
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March 16, 2008
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